Standing Tall in the Face of Recovery...

 This would be one of the biggest steps I have taken on my journey through my eating disorder recovery, putting these kinds of photos up for everyone to see. Though I feel it necessary for myself to see just how far I have come in two years. Me in 2013 weighing in at a very light 42kg (92 pounds) and me today 2015 57kg (125 pounds). 

Me Today 2015

Me 2013

In 2013 I was still in the thick of restricting as I was slowly coming to terms with having an eating disorder, even though I was running, my energy levels were fixed on adrenaline. I was always looking for the endorphin high that running gave me and the more I ran the better I felt. So thinking that being thin helped me with my speed, even though I wasn't the fastest, I felt fast for me. Only if I knew then what I know now! I was in the grips of such unhealthy living. So self focused on my body and my needs for endorphin rushes that I didn't take any notice of what I was really doing to my body. Very little eating, usually one very small meal a day, lived off of coffee, chocolate and junk food (chips, high salt and high fat), but burnt it all off with over exercising.

In August of 2013 I made the real decision to get healthy and fight the illness and leave my eating disorder for ever. I had to realise that I had, had this eating disorder for 30 years, and looking back it wasn't a decision to loose weight as I was already so small. I just stopped eating. I wanted to have some control over my life, that I felt even at 10 I didn't have. I started seeing my psychologist, and found ways to understand why I was so drawn to restricting and what or who pushed my buttons to restrict. I made the decision to release certain relationships in order to make the necessary steps forward to a healthy life and future.

As I went through doing martial arts, triathlon, I was so wrapped up in the eating disorder and then trying to learn to eat proper meals. I should haven't have done triathlon when I did, looking back now, though I am glad that I did, as it was a massive learning curve for me, and I guess a journey I had to take in the early stages of my recovery.

Today I can stand tall and know that I have gained weight and muscle to be the healthy me that I am. Yes I have days when I am still not happy with having a stomach like I do now. Though I know its normal and a good thing. As I step into the sport of marathon swimming I have had to get to about 60kg (132 pounds) so I don't raise my risk of hypothermia while swimming in the ocean. Also having the energy levels required for all my training, working, family life as well. Having the muscle and strength for each training session and recovery as well. Everything adds up and if I was still in the grips of an eating disorder I would not be doing the things I am now capable of doing.

 Now to be totally and brutally honest, I like and dislike my body as it is today. I love the fact I have all the energy to live a full and happy life. I love the muscle tone I have, the only part that I have such an issue with is my stomach like I have said, even though it would be so easy to fall back into old unhealthy habits I make sure everyday I know just how far I have come, the goals I have for my future and the help and support I have from my loved ones and friends around me. Their help and support has been amazing and I am truly thankful for having them in my life.

So where to from here, I take each day as it comes and remember that I will keep this healthy life over the unhealthy life I used to live. I look forward to reaching my swimming goals in my future and look forward to hopefully helping others who are starting their journey through recovery.

This is me.

Have an awesome week everyone...

Hayley xx

Finding the Challenges In LIfe...

How does one find the challenges in life that are here to teach lessons, whether they be positive or negative?

How does one take serious illness and challenge it to be healthy again, or to learn to live with it?

How does one learn that what they loved to do, they can't anymore due to injury and have to find another challenge to keep them going?

How does one take the negative challenges in their lives and turn them into the positive challenges that they can help others with?

How do we take the positive challenges in our lives and ones that have taught us so much, and help others to have similar experiences?

Challenges come in so many things. In our day to day living, our health, careers, sports, children, partners. So why do we some times prefer to give up and let the negative challenges we see push us over the edge and feel that we can't go on? Why do we see others with challenges and pity them? Why do we not take each challenge we are faced with and run with it and learn from it? Is it we are always looking for that one thing that is going to make us rich, be first place in a sporting event, have the best material things in life, that when we die we can't take with us.

So at what point during what ever challenge you face, do you say, "hey I have this, I can deal with this and you know what I will be a stronger and wiser person for this!"

We all go through challenges in life that are life threatening, exciting challenges that make us happy, no matter what your challenge take it as the universe's way of teaching something you need to know or understand in your journey through life.

No matter what lies ahead of you on your journey, remember its your journey no one else's and only you can learn the lessons you need to in order to move forward.

Take care everyone and have a great weekend...

Hayley xx

Why do we do the things we do??

Sun Set over Busselton, we are being watched 

Its interesting where you will find your inspiration and confirmation on what you are doing. Finding the answers to your own questions. I sat listening to a podcast of my husbands which talks about fitness, diet, and mind set. The question, "Why do we do the things we do??" came to me while listening this podcast on the way to Busselton.

I looked at the way I could answer this, I could take it from me as an athlete, me as a mother, wife, employee, recovering from an eating disorder, and so many other ways. I guess for me at the moment it would be from the athlete perspective.

So why do I swim so much? Why do I love photography? Swimming has become my go to. I love the feeling of the water around me, I love the feeling of gliding through the water, whether it be in the pool or in the ocean. Being able to swim in the ocean and seeing the fish below you is so amazing and being part of nature in that way without disturbing it is so nice.

I have been asked more than once to why I swim, why do I want to do marathon swimming, why do I want to push my body to that extent. There is no one answer for all those questions. I have never been one to sit still, I have always been a busy minded person. I guess swimming has been my time to quieten my mind to a point. Not have someone constantly tell me what to do, or hear people arguing around me, time for me to go into myself, which is good but can be very scary. I used to think of ways to stay skinny, as I didn't want to eat and thought I was healthy then and really didn't know any different, where now its time for me to think about topics for my blog, designing my website, ideas for my book, even designing my t shirt that I want made for myself. I also think of training sessions that I need to do and even visualise the finish to the Rottnest Channel Swim. So I guess my mind is not all that quiet though a lot more positive.

The reason for marathon swimming I guess is a way of me understanding myself, on all levels. On the surface of myself physically. Can my body deal with swimming such long distances and does it hold up to what I can put it through. The mental level, of how do I cope with my body starting to hurt, or fatigue, can I work my way through the uncomfortable feelings, also the feeling of being stung by jellyfish over and over and still managing to keep going. Spirit level, the deepest part of me that just becomes hypnotized by the water, my surroundings, my thoughts. I almost become one with the water and my surroundings. I feel suspended in mid air while I am swimming,  the water holds me in place and I am able to almost fly through the water and when you see fish of all sizes below you its almost like being one of them.

If I take the line of recovering from an eating disorder. I have used the fact that I have had to gain 17 kilograms to do the Rottnest Channel Swim. It was a have to gain the weight, not think about gaining it. I have managed so far to gain 15 kilograms and feel so much healthier for doing it. I feel that I was so stupid when I used to think being skinny, and not eating was the best way to get faster, I was oh so wrong. I have come to see that just how important it is to have that extra muscle, and body weight on to achieve the distances I can do, live the life I do, and that is once I get up in the morning I keep going until I go to sleep at night. So for me I do my swim training in the morning, and then go to work by midday and work through to 8:30pm, then home and eat dinner and get some time out reading or catching up on the computer, then head for bed by 10:30pm. So my days are long and full.

If I was still trying to destruct my life with restricting my eating I would not be able to get through what I can now. Also I am more mentally aware of what happens with me and around me. I used to live my life in a lethargic fog, that had a persona of being a hyper-active child where I would run on adrenaline and sugar to keep me going, but would turn on a two cent piece into a bad or emotional mood.

Taking up photography has been a more tranquil side of myself I have recently found. I can drive or walk around and see everyday things that I see in such a different way. I drive past a large patch of national park and the change of seasons have changed the colours of the field. From being green its now yellow, and soon it will be brown from being dried out. Like each sunset, they can all be different. It just opens your eyes and heart to simple things being amazing.

No matter what you do or why you do it, as long as its positive keep going, if there are negative aspects maybe changes can be made for the better.

Have an awesome week everyone...

Hayley xx

Rest and Relaxation...

 Tomorrow hubby and I head down south to my favourite place on earth. Busselton, Its shall be a time of relaxing and eating, oh and wallowing in the spa at the resort.

I am very much looking forward to having my camera with me this time to take some better pictures of the sunsets and fingers crossed for dolphin sightings.

Its been a long week and one of recovery from last Saturday's swim, but a week of learning and understanding myself and just how far I have come. With having the right people around me while training, and making sure I am eating properly, and getting enough rest has been so important. As this week has been about resting, it will be time to start slowly looking to the next eleven weeks of training ready for Rottnest Channel Swim.

I hope everyone has a great weekend... rest well, play hard...

Hayley xx

City Beach 10km done!!

 Saturday 14th November 2015, at 5am I woke to the sound of my alarm, waking me and telling me its time to get up and organised to go. Its the day I take on City Beach again this time in the 10 kilometer swim. City Beach is a beach that can seem to be calm from the sands, but choppy once you get into the water. For us this time it wasn't just about the water conditions it was also about the heat, jellyfish and nutrition strategy.

I pick up my training partner and we head to the beach a 30 minute drive. Its fairly quiet in the car as I tend to become quiet. Going through things in my mind slowly and try not to let the nerves get to me so much. We drive into the car park and find a shady spot as we know it will be stinking hot when we get back to the car later that day. Registration, we get our names signed off and get our package which has in it, a race cap...a stunning pink, timing strap that goes around our ankle, information note. Then we find our paddler for the day, and awesome bloke that made the day a little bit more relaxing and funny.

 Its time to lather up, out of my bag comes...a tube of sun-cream (50+SPF), clear zinc, antihistamines, anti-chaff, vasoline, carb gel, and drink bottle. Now its start to get real, you know there is no turning back unless you get the tap from the safety crew on the water. I start by putting anti-chaff on, followed by sun-cream and then zinc, hoping it will be enough. Get a gel down with water and head for the safety briefing.

We take a seat on the sand in the shade as we wait for the 1.25 kilometer swimmers to take off. Then its our turn. I sit with my head of my knees with my eyes closed and compose myself ready for the biggest open water swim I have done to date. You never know just how bad the water conditions will be till you get in the water. We swim out to the starting buoys and people are already getting stung. I know then its going to be a long hard day in the water. The starters gun goes off and we are away, We were out to swim our own race, one that would allow us to finish within the time required and hope to hell we would make it.

By the second feed I asked our paddler how we were going, roughly averaging 48 - 50 minutes per 2.5km which was great, though I kind or knew the last lap would take its toll. We felt every sting from the jellyfish as if they were sharp needles piercing through our skin to our nerves. We got stung on the face, back, arms, neck, under the arms, legs...well our entire bodies really. Its hard to work out exactly how you are pacing along when you swim, but I was still hoping we wouldn't get that tap from the officials to say you won't make it.

We started the last lap and I knew this was going to be so hard. We turned the first turning buoys and got to our paddler who was talking with safety crew and I had a sudden sinking in my stomach, then as we were taking our last drink, we were told we were going to be fine and would have part of the safety crew guide us through to the next turning buoys which was great, it made me feel like I was that little bit stronger and would be able to get through the fatigue I was feeling so badly. We turned the last turning buoys and I could see that we now had safety crew on a jet ski with  us as we swam to the finish. I saw the last buoy that we needed before turning to shore and the finish line. The only things I had running through my mind was that I wanted this so much! I did not want to have to go through another morning like this again for a little while.

My training partner and I were the last in the water to make it in under the cut-off time of 4 hrs and 15 mins. I got that last wave into shore, stood up got my bearings and walked slowly out of the water with a little help from the safety crew as we got our balance back. I ran up the finishing chute and officially had a time of 4:07:18. We qualified!!!

 I stood on hot sand, trying to work out what I had just done and with a tv news camera pointing straight at us, I had to laugh. I looked like crap, felt so sore and felt so amazing. We were extremely well looked after by the safety crew and even interviewed for the news, which was just a little exciting.

So with so much that had happened I still don't think it has completely set in that I have swum, conquered some fears and mental games that were playing around the 7.5km mark of wanting to get out, but to know that we now have made it to swim the Rottnest Channel Swim on the 27th February 2016, is huge! Now its time to rest this week, and by rest I mean light easy swims to let the body keep turning over and make sure the muscles don't cease up. Its also time to de-brief the swim and workout what we need to change and try and do for the coming three months before Rotto.

Have an awesome week coming...

Hayley xx

Never Stop Dreaming....

 Today I became very aware that we should never stop dreaming, even if you have a particular dream and for some reason can never make that dream come true. We can always keep that dream in our hearts, but know that we won't have it for real.

I found out today I will never run again, a love that I can never do again. I have been told many times that I have my swimming and I am very lucky to have that. Though when you still have that ounce of hope that after a surgery that something will be fixed and you will be able in time, be able to lace up your runners and hit the pavement and feel that runners feeling again. Well its not going to happen for me. I have been told no matter which way my foot surgery goes I will not be running again.

So its fifteen weeks till surgery roughly and with so much happening between now and then. With just one day to do until our 10 kilometer qualifying swim, I haven't got the nervous feel yet, and I guess that could be a good thing. Though tomorrow I will be heading to the beach early just to take some time to check the conditions which will be very similar on Saturday morning (HOT!). I guess it will be a matter of just getting in, staying with the plan and just getting the job done.

After the 10 kilometer we take a week to recover with light swims and some well deserved rest. Then as our local pool opens on Monday we head for cold water training. Our local pool is very much known for being super cold. So we can simulate the feeling of swimming in cold water and acclimatise to it as well. Also with the run on to Christmas we tend to get busier at work, so between working full time and training time should go by pretty quickly.

Come January with work still going to be busy its time to get down to long swims and consistency in the pool and in the open water for training. These are the times when the long hours in the water over a week will add up and the mind and body need to be linked so tightly that both are in sync with each other and I can get through every session and know that the day I step to the start line of the Rottnest Channel Swim I can say to myself I have done everything possible to be here and to confident that I can do the 20 kilometers from Cottesloe Beach to Rottnest Island. I will have time after to rest and relax and heal.

Have an awesome weekend when it comes. I know mine will be amazing no matter what happens.

Hayley xx

Embrace Life

Taper Week...

 Taper weeks for athletes of any level isn't their favorite. I find them a pain in the butt, though I understand why we have them. As we go through intense training sessions leading up to an event, the body and mind also need time to rest, hydrate, recover and be fresh for the event day.

We spend weeks working our bodies and minds in our chosen sport, and the day we line up at the start line we need to know within ourselves that we have done everything we could to be ready for what lies a head of us on that day.

I myself really don't like taper weeks, I get frustrated, anxious, quiet, and moody. I think a lot about the event I am tapering for and what I need to work on (organise), go through the gear I need to take with me, times to pick people up and get to the event location. So yeah, I send myself around the twist, as they say. As someone who finds it extremely hard to sit still and relax unless I am asleep that is, I am usually on the go, which isn't always good when tapering. I have to make sure I am eating properly through out the week, drinking plenty of water and taking in plenty of carbohydrates the couple of days leading into the event.

 The 10 kilometer qualifying swim this coming Saturday will be another milestone as well. I have a tendency to only look at this particular event and not look further, as I don't want to stress, or loose my focus on the requirements that are needed for this event. We have a time frame in order to get this swim done in, four hours and fifteen minutes. I know myself and my training partner are capable of getting it done somewhere between three hours, thirty minutes and four hours. Even if the water is rough, which I expect it to be, we will get it done. That makes this a week of visualising what I need to do for myself and with my training partner to hopefully make our estimated times.

My favourite movie, Finding Nemo, and the love I have for Dory, as much as she is a little ditsy, she can still swim and like her I am not one for liking stingers, but her motto of "Just Keep Swimming!" plays through my mind regularly when I get tired or stressed when I am in the water.

Tomorrow sees us doing a two kilometer light swim, rest on Tuesday, Wednesday is two and a half kilometers then Thursday and Friday rest, eating and drinking lots of water. Early to bed Friday and up nice and early on Saturday. Also time to put the final touches on the event plan and stick with it.

Have an awesome week everyone...

Hayley xx

Up and Coming City Beach 10km Swim...

City Beach, Western Australia

 With just eight days till the first Rottnest Channel 10 Kilometer Qualifying Swim, this week has been very up and down for me. I am so pumped ready for the ten kilometer swim after a great swim last weekend at Cottesloe Beach. I am so ready for the 10km swim mentally and physically. All the training, my training partner and I have done has put us in good stead for what ever City Beach can throw at us. Currently the weather is looking awesome with a beautiful 32 degrees C, with very little breeze at all, so looking at almost perfect conditions. So fingers are going to be crossed every day this coming week for these conditions to hold true.


Becoming a marathon swimmer has helped me to deal with my inner need for control. In the ocean you have no control over anything, other than yourself and your mind.

For instance last weekend when there was plenty of seaweed, stingers (jellyfish) and rough conditions. There is that moment when you might think it will be to hard and yes you can bail out and remove yourself from the water if it gets to bad, or you can push through the obstacles that get in your way. I made the decision while still on the sand that no matter what was before me, I would take and "swim with it". You do need to have courage to loose sight of the shore to take on marathon swimming. You deal with the unknown a lot of the time as the wind can change and the conditions of the water do change so very quickly.

I remember standing on City Beach last year ready to do the 2.5 kilometer swim, I was nervous as, as I had been dumped so badly many years before and still remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the last wave of swimmers to hit the water, and as we were standing and waiting the waves were getting bigger by the minute. I had the chance to step back and pull out of the event. For some reason I didn't. I guess that part of me that says, if you can't do this then you won't be able to go further. I managed to get through the 2.5km swim, with stings and very rough waters. Once I finished the swim, I had a great feeling of accomplishment, and knowledge of how to deal with such conditions.

 I happily tell anyone I can about my swimming and I have such a deep love for it. I will tell people about the rough waters, the jellyfish stings, the clear waters and seeing the fish below you, the occasional feeling of swimmers rage, when someone just plow through you, and yes it happens. The response from those I talk to is, interesting, as they just can't understand why I would swim in the ocean where there are sharks, jellyfish that sting, and everything else. I guess once you let your negative thoughts of the unknown go and see, when the waters are clear the fish swimming below you and when you swim over the reef and the fish its such an amazing experience, something that so many miss out on for their fear gets in the way. I had an amazing experience last summer when I had a baby black tip reef shark swim below me, it was a first and yes I was a bit startled, but felt so luck to see such a beautiful creature.

As I step into the end of this week of training and into another week of tapering, I hope to be able to keep a level head and not let my frustrations that have surfaced this week to get to me, like they started to over the past few days. Again this is another learning curve as the next swim will be my biggest to date in the ocean. This is another lesson in patience, something that I believe is my biggest lesson in life.

 Have a great weekend everyone...

Hayley xx