Standing Tall in the Face of Recovery...

 This would be one of the biggest steps I have taken on my journey through my eating disorder recovery, putting these kinds of photos up for everyone to see. Though I feel it necessary for myself to see just how far I have come in two years. Me in 2013 weighing in at a very light 42kg (92 pounds) and me today 2015 57kg (125 pounds). 

Me Today 2015

Me 2013

In 2013 I was still in the thick of restricting as I was slowly coming to terms with having an eating disorder, even though I was running, my energy levels were fixed on adrenaline. I was always looking for the endorphin high that running gave me and the more I ran the better I felt. So thinking that being thin helped me with my speed, even though I wasn't the fastest, I felt fast for me. Only if I knew then what I know now! I was in the grips of such unhealthy living. So self focused on my body and my needs for endorphin rushes that I didn't take any notice of what I was really doing to my body. Very little eating, usually one very small meal a day, lived off of coffee, chocolate and junk food (chips, high salt and high fat), but burnt it all off with over exercising.

In August of 2013 I made the real decision to get healthy and fight the illness and leave my eating disorder for ever. I had to realise that I had, had this eating disorder for 30 years, and looking back it wasn't a decision to loose weight as I was already so small. I just stopped eating. I wanted to have some control over my life, that I felt even at 10 I didn't have. I started seeing my psychologist, and found ways to understand why I was so drawn to restricting and what or who pushed my buttons to restrict. I made the decision to release certain relationships in order to make the necessary steps forward to a healthy life and future.

As I went through doing martial arts, triathlon, I was so wrapped up in the eating disorder and then trying to learn to eat proper meals. I should haven't have done triathlon when I did, looking back now, though I am glad that I did, as it was a massive learning curve for me, and I guess a journey I had to take in the early stages of my recovery.

Today I can stand tall and know that I have gained weight and muscle to be the healthy me that I am. Yes I have days when I am still not happy with having a stomach like I do now. Though I know its normal and a good thing. As I step into the sport of marathon swimming I have had to get to about 60kg (132 pounds) so I don't raise my risk of hypothermia while swimming in the ocean. Also having the energy levels required for all my training, working, family life as well. Having the muscle and strength for each training session and recovery as well. Everything adds up and if I was still in the grips of an eating disorder I would not be doing the things I am now capable of doing.

 Now to be totally and brutally honest, I like and dislike my body as it is today. I love the fact I have all the energy to live a full and happy life. I love the muscle tone I have, the only part that I have such an issue with is my stomach like I have said, even though it would be so easy to fall back into old unhealthy habits I make sure everyday I know just how far I have come, the goals I have for my future and the help and support I have from my loved ones and friends around me. Their help and support has been amazing and I am truly thankful for having them in my life.

So where to from here, I take each day as it comes and remember that I will keep this healthy life over the unhealthy life I used to live. I look forward to reaching my swimming goals in my future and look forward to hopefully helping others who are starting their journey through recovery.

This is me.

Have an awesome week everyone...

Hayley xx