Good Days and Bad Days in Recovery....

 This quote is so very true, when you are recovering from an eating disorder. I have been on the recovery road for over two years now, and still there are days when I don't want to fight on anymore, and make myself eat. You see I have no sense of hunger, that particular function no longer exists in me, I don't recognize much of the time that feeling of hunger. I can get very cranky if I haven't eaten for a long time, for instance, if I don't have something to eat at night and then don't have anything till lunch time the next day. So most days I need to just make sure I eat.

Today has been one of those difficult days, the one where so much is happening around you and you just can't be bothered putting up the positive fight. Though I have made sure I have eaten today and tonight, even when I just didn't want to, and that is the battle for the day.

I have days like this, but they are further apart than they used to be, which is good, and I am sure that at some point they wont happen anymore, and I look forward to those days. I was out and about this afternoon and had a chance to sit in the sun and contemplate something. As I face each day of recovery, I have a goal in mind that I need to gain weight for, and I make sure that I stay on track as much as I possibly can, even if I have a day where I don't eat as much as I should. Once I get to the point of successfully crossing the Rottnest Channel, what goal will I put in front of myself to make sure I can maintain my weight. With swimming in the open water it is necessary to make sure you have enough body weight to reduce the risks of hypothermia, and having enough fuel in the body for long distance swimming. Is it down to my determination to have a goal that requires my body to be put under pressure, or my determination to be healthy?

I can sit and analyse this all the time and I guess the answer could be different on any given day. Like today would be more along the lines of determination of putting my body under pressure. How far can I push myself? It is always about having some sort of control. We just change the way we have control of things in our lives. I have control over my training, and partly making sure I eat and gain the required amount of weight ready for the Rottnest Channel Swim. There is always a very fine line though, and at what point is that line crossed. As a woman who is in her 40's and knows so much better than to restrict my eating, there are times along this battle for health it gets hard and I guess I am only human to have a bad day.

I do believe in myself that I will come to a point in my recovery, where the bad days won't happen and I won't want to restrict, and just maybe I will have that feeling of being hungry again, and I look forward to those days.

I believe in myself to see the bad day(s) and know that its not going to last for more than one or two days, where previously it would have lasted for weeks.

I believe in my ability to make sure I stay positive and know that even though I don't want to eat, I need to.

I believe in myself that while my body can be put under physical pressure, I have the understanding that my body needs to be fueled properly and every day to reach my sporting goals and dreams.

I believe in myself that I can be a role-model to others who feel in order to have control of themselves by restricting food, or over exercising, or binge eating, is not the way to live a happy and healthy life, and that there is so much more out in this wide world of ours that we can explore and learn from.

I hope that tomorrow is a happier day, for me and everyone....

Hayley xx