Fighting inner demons....

 Today I am struggling to find my inner strength. Day four of no exercise, this would be the longest time in about 8 years I have gone without any form to exercise, even walking. I can honestly say this is difficult.

As someone who is still trying to stay positive through my eating disorder recovery this is not easy. I don't have my normal avenues to relax my mind and deal with things as I normally would, and yes exercise is part of that for me. I am trying to maintain good eating habits with an inner battle sending off flares to say...hey you are going to gain weight, that isn't good. I am trying extremely hard to not let that voice get any louder.

This is the first time in ages that I have been forced not to do any exercise, and its totally foreign to me. Which I am sure some people would find that difficult to understand. I am enjoying the sleep ins in the mornings, though not enjoying the inability to take my dog for a walk, or just to go for a walk myself. I know I need to rest but my mind needs the availability to move the body, to get the endorphin's to get the blood pumping, to get that natural high.

This quote to the right says it all when I am in the water. I do feel free, alive, tired, calm, and so much more. That feeling of being free is amazing, just you the water and your strength to keeping going when you really want to stop. The thoughts that go through your mind can be amazing and strange, like when I did my 3.5km swim session the other week. I got to about 2.5km and was thinking of dinner, what tattoo I was going to have next, what I wanted for Christmas, and many other things. My mind has a tendency not to be quiet, always something going through it, unless I am asleep and that even depends on whether I am dreaming.

Now normally I don't swim with music on, but have decided I would like a waterproof iPod for Christmas so I can have my music playing while I swim, though have thought that as I am someone who likes to sing, I hope I don't do it while swimming or I might drown...or end up drinking lots of pool water. I contacted my physiotherapist tonight via Facebook and asked if I could maybe swim next week if I use my pool buoy, no answer yet, as I feel like I am going bonkers not being able to. By using the pool buoy it will allow my feet to stay still, and only use my upper body, or if I am not allowed, I will go to the gym and do upper body training and some abs. I just need to do something.

Hayley xx