A better day...

This afternoon has become so much better than it was this morning, almost a complete melt down, with it being day seven of no exercise I think I hit a point where I felt like emotionally I needed to implode, or explode. When your exercise is your way of dealing with emotional issues, and that is taken away from you, even temporarily life can get awfully difficult and I become a not nice person, I get grumpy, and generally ignore everyone around me. This has a bit to do with the eating disorder habits that I used to use, and when put in the current situation tend to go back to.

Luckily enough I have been given the green light to go to the gym tonight to do upper body, chest and abs and then I can start swimming again using a pool buoy so my feet don't move. This news has made me feel so much happier. I now know that I can't go without any form of exercise for more than a couple of days without it affecting me emotionally.

That feeling of shear determination comes in many ways and forms. I have had to be extremely determined to not let myself relapse into bad eating habits, even if I have managed to piss off people with my attitude. Have I managed to stay on top of a relapse happening? yes. Did I come close to relapsing? yes. The inner determination to not let a relapse happen can take almost every ounce of mental energy that one has. I understand it is very difficult for others who have not been through an eating disorder like anorexia to find this difficult to understand. I have been trying to stay outwardly positive with my customers that come into work, tried the same with friends and family, and I don't think it has been that successful. I am sorry to those whom I have mistreated over the past few weeks.

So I guess it is onward and upward from today on with going to the gym tonight for a little sweat session just to get the head into the right place and then a good solid swim tomorrow. I have also just ordered my Christmas present from my hubby today, a waterproof iPod. I am going to have to sort out a playlist that won't make me sing too much while swimming, I don't want to drink the whole 50 meter pool contents. I was thinking something a little lighter and easy listening.

Have an awesome week everyone.

Hayley xx