This week hasn't been the easiest for me, I had a weigh-in and the number on the scales freaked me out. The freak out didn't come straight away, initially I felt happy about the gain. For the first time without being pregnant I reached 55 kilograms. I felt good about myself and the fact that I was still on target for my end goal. I liked the look of my body, and yes I was still dealing with the fact I have a stomach, not a concave stomach. I didn't see myself as fat initially either.
A few days after my weigh-in I started to over analyse the weight I had gained. Since June last year I have gained 10 kilograms, for someone recovering from an eating disorder to gain 10 kilograms in nine months is extremely good. I began to have my freak out a couple of days after the weight in. I felt like I had gained the last kilo way to quickly and needed to drop it off and reassess the timing of my weight gain. At this point I did feel fat, I logically understand that I am not fat, but the voice of an eating disorder can come to the surface very suddenly, and its up to me (the healthy one) to shut this voice down very quickly or I run the risk of a relapse.
So Tuesday I headed for the gym for a workout, Wednesday I swam, and Thursday was another gym session. Now the workouts weren't overly heavy, but what I know to do, is change my eating habits. I know what foods to put in to reduce my weight very rapidly and how to burn the calories quickly. Fridays are my normal weigh-in day and when I got onto the scales I was back to 53.8 kilograms and my response was, "that's better". So here is the internal fight that I deal with. I managed to drop 1.2 kilograms very quickly by eating more sugar, and rubbish, and keeping my body moving as much as possible whether that be at the gym, in the pool or at work. I felt more comfortable with my weight back below 54 kilograms, so now I can regain the weight, but a little slower so I don't feel so overwhelmed by it.
As much as what happened this week isn't good, I learnt a valuable lesson, that I am still recovering from my eating disorder and there will be times where I get overwhelmed, but to make sure I don't continue the down ward spiral of dropping weight and bad eating habits and to deal with the issues quickly and get back on the wagon so to speak. I also know that this freak out won't be the first or last that I have.
This photo to the left is what I need to focus on while I am gaining the weight, as this is the reason I need to get to 60 kilograms, the Start of the Rottnest Channel Swim.The photo below is the finish line of the Rottnest Channel Swim, this is why it is such a necessity to get to 60 kilograms to reduce the risk of hypothermia while swimming and also helps with building strength to make the distance.
Have a great weekend...Hayley xx
No comments:
Post a Comment