An Inner Explosion....

As I sit here thinking of how I feel, its almost like I have this bomb inside me that wants to explode, but its not a negative feeling, its such a positive feeling that I want to run around like a child, a feeling of being filled with such energy. Why do I feel like this?? I had a great swim this morning and felt strong and confident. Yes its easier to have a great swim in a pool than it is to swim in the ocean. The conditions can be so very different. In the pool yes it can be cold (outside pool, not heated) the outside air temperature can be cooler as the breeze is blowing. Where when you get into the ocean you have the tide, the current of the water, and the wind which all have an affect on your swim.

This feeling of energy is so good, its been a long while since I have felt it. Though this time I am in a healthier state to understand what it means. Where last time I was still in the state of an eating disorder and thought that it was a need to use the energy by exercising, instead of an energy of happiness. I am so very grateful for seeing that I needed to deal with my weight when I did. It was that moment when you understand the importance of not having to have control over everything, and that also included the way someone treated you, or your need to control your hurt feelings and keep them bottled up inside and not deal with the issue or the feelings.

 Its interesting as I have been one to feel the need to have control over things in my life when I was in the midst of my eating disorder and now I enjoy swimming in the ocean where I have absolutely no control of my surroundings. Yes I have control of myself and the availability to remove myself from the ocean if I feel the need to. For instance last weekend when swimming and initially being startled by a dolphin swimming past me in murky water. Then being stung multiple times on my body and knowing I am allergic to their stings and not being sure of how I would react this time, I decided it would be best to get out of the water and cut the swim short. I was disappointed that I didn't continue, but would have run the risk of even more stings as I kept swimming.

We all have things in our lives that we feel the need to control, but we need to understand why we have the need to control them and what consequences it has for our mind, body and spirit. I had to let go of certain negatives in my life that was making me sick, and fueling my eating disorder as I was needing to have control over of my feelings, as I felt I had no sense of who I was. Its a hard thing to describe. Having a mental illness has stigmas attached to them especially if you mention that you hear voices in your head. Learning to be yourself and understand yourself can be difficult, but also very rewarding as at times you actually learn so much from yourself. As soon as I stopped trying to control so much I learnt what I really love, and how to nourish my body instead of wearing it into the ground.

So tonight I can see that I have this inner fire of energy from having such a great swim this morning and accomplishing my goal and exceeding what I thought I could do. I can see I have made progress in my road to recovery from my eating disorder, progress in my swimming and seeing such positives in my life.

It can take just one decision to make a change in your life, whether its something small or something large...

Have a positive week...

Hayley xx