Hello...
Today starts a dream come true, No Wafer Here is a blog about my recovery from my eating disorder, fitness, and healthy living. I hope that I can help other people out there on a road to healthy living whether they have an eating disorder or disordered eating. Being healthy is what life is about, without our healthy we have very little.
As a 40 something mum of two, who has lived with an eating disorder for the last 30 odd years. I am for the first time in my life on the road to recovery from my eating disorder. Finally living a healthy and happier life. Learning lessons about life everyday.
I came to the realization that I had an eating disorder only 2 years ago. Before then I thought eating one meal a day was normal, and living on sugar and processed foods was being healthy. I thought that being 44kg was a healthy weight, and that I could live like this for ever. I have always been active either with walking, playing sport, doing karate, and endurance sports such as triathlon, long distance open water swimming, and my love for running.
I took myself off to see a dietitian, who I can say is totally awesome. I remember the first appointment. I am sitting in her office a room of cream walls, high ceilings and minimal furniture. We started by discussing why I was there to see her, my response was, "I need to gain some weight to allow me to do triathlon."
She says to me, "Do you think you have an eating disorder?" Yep my immediate reaction was "NO!" We discussed further my issues with food, and why I didn't eat much and why I exercised everyday. I walked out of her office that day still believing that I didn't have an eating disorder, and with another appointment made for the following week.
My second appointment with my dietitian was not much different from the first, we started with discussing the previous week, and yes I was asked this...
"Do you think you have an eating disorder?"
My response this time was a little different from the week before, "I think I do." We discussed why this might have happened and at what age I thought it started. I worked it back to when I was about 11 years old or even a bit younger when I stopped eating lunch at school. There was also the big one...CONTROL...
Control is a huge thing with people who have an eating disorder, we like to have total control of our lives, even from such a young age. The reasons are many, and believe me some don't make any sense at all especially at such a young age. The need to be skinny, the need to be like your friends, the need to be cool and be accepted by every one of your peers. Dealing with emotional issues at home. I think at a young age its even a matter of dealing with life. Once I hit high school things progressed rapidly, I was living on sugar and highly processed carbohydrates. This is what kept me going, and looking at it today I wonder how I even got through school at all. Its amazing to how the mind can keep you going.
Well back to the subject of Control, high school is a place where everyone needs to control something, whether its the leader of their peer group, being the best at sport, or being an academic. You are forever trying to prove yourself, either to your parents, family, teachers and peers. Oh and then there is society...this is a huge bug-bear of mine. You have to be thin to get the guys attention, you have to be pretty, you have to be smart, but not as smart as the guys...oh did I say you have to be thin to get anywhere in life???
So for me being in high school was to be thin, have a vibrant personality, and believe me people knew of me at school and even after I left school. I wanted to be liked by everyone, as I didn't feel liked at home.
Now back to my second appointment with my dietitian, we started to discuss my eating disorder and my need to constantly exercise. It took many more appointments to make in-roads to understanding what my eating disorder was doing to me and how deep it went. In further posts I will take you through aspects of my eating disorder, and the stop, starts to recovery.
Today I can truly say I am on the straight road of recovery. I have gained weight, taken steps to reduce my exercise level, and learn to live life in a healthy way, not in an irrational, self destructive way.
Till next time, have a great day :)
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