Finding your inner strength...

I sit here tonight at 9:19pm eating my dinner (home made hamburger) thinking. I picked this particular poster above as I have many a time had to search deep within myself for my strength. Now that can be physical strength or emotional strength, or a combination of both at the same time.

There are days when I feel strong from the moment I wake up till the time I fall asleep, then there are days like today where I don't. I feel physically strong, but emotionally not as strong as I would like to be. There is no real thing in my life that I can honestly put my finger on to say, "hey that is the problem." I just feel that so many small issues going on around me just build up and I feel like I am crumbling inside.

I have a tendency to show on the outside to be a strong and confident person, but on the inside I wish I could feel the same, strong and confident. As those days of less strength are now less, I still have them. These are days when I second guess my self, my dreams, my goals in life, and so many other things. I guess we all have days like this and I am sure when I wake tomorrow morning to a new day, I will see things in a more positive perspective.

There is and was a very special lady in my life, who recently I lost. My grandmother was someone who recently taught me the meaning of Don't Quit. Over the last 13 months of her life I watched her go from someone who I could sit with, talk to, laugh with and reconnect with memories of my childhood. Someone who opened my eyes to more things in the world, and not to take everything I had for granted, but also that I was my own person and had the inner strength of a Lioness. I rode my bike down a couple of times in the Summer to see her, which always surprised her when I would wheel my bike into her room, (this ride was 3 hours long and about 80 kilometers). Over the months I watched her deteriorate in health. Her eye-sight was going, her dexterity was going, her memory was going. I remember days I would visit and just sit there, no words just holding her hand, helping her with her meals, as she got to a point of not being able to feed herself. There were days I would leave to head home and be in tears as I thought it wouldn't be long until her passing. Well the other lesson she taught me was Tenacity. She was one very tenacious lady. The days when you though her time was near, you would go and see her a couple of days later and she would be right as rain, doing really well.

My biggest lesson was the first weekend in May this year. I was to do the Busselton Half Ironman (70.3). I had trained hard, put the time and effort in. I got down the Busselton on the Thursday afternoon, and when I woke on Friday morning to a message from my Aunt. My nana (grandmother) was in hospital and it didn't look good. I said I would be up there on Monday afternoon to visit her, if anything changed to let me know. Friday I went for my planned swim and took my bike out for a short ride, which allowed me to process everything through my mind ready for the next day's event. I made it through with my Nana in my mind and heart the whole time. I got through my event. I was extremely happy, yet there was that bitter sweet moment that I knew in the back of my mind that my nana wasn't right.

We got to see my nana on the Monday afternoon, she wasn't good, very distraught. I didn't want to leave her that afternoon but knew I had to. I came back the next day to see her, not much changed. My nana spent the next nine weeks in hospital, which was the best place for her, with the best possible care, By this time her quality of life was little, small amounts of food, and fluid. I remember to reaction when I would visit and feed her, usually breakfast or lunch. Her favorite thing to eat was ice-cream, if there wasn't any around we would go and find some, and the look in her eyes was priceless to say the least, that we could make her happy with something so simple.

The day before her passing was one I will never forget. She was surrounded by her family. I believe she could hear what was going on around her and believe that she loved us all. I felt this overwhelming sense of being so protective of her. I wouldn't let the nurses bathe her as I didn't want her disrupted as it caused to much pain. I got the phone call at 1;20 am the next morning to say my nana had past, I got in my car and drove that cold morning to say my final goodbyes, and be with my Aunt and Uncle, before making the drive back home at 3:20 am.

For me remembering the time I had with my nana in that last 13 months, when I have days like to day I sit quietly and remember her and what she has taught me, then I feel this inner sense of strength start to rise through me, and I know I will be ok and stronger for the next day.

My Grandparents are my angels and I love them and miss them dearly.

Hayley xx